WAYS TO AVOID TALKING ABOUT "THE PROBLEM" IN OUR FAMILY

NICKY’S MOTHER SITS IN THE KITCHEN, TRYING NOT TO UNDERSTAND, EVEN AS SHE UNDERSTANDS, HER DAUGHTER’S NEED TO STAY BUSY AND AWAY FROM THE DARK SECRETS OF THEIR HOME.

My mother hid her emotions every day.

Now, instead of the gratification she’d received from her work, she picked up my father from the front lawn after he’d passed out, or helped him as he stumbled out of his truck, or undressed him and put him to bed, and sometimes wiped his ass when he’d made a mess of himself.

She drove to the store to get his bottles of whiskey so he wouldn’t drive drunk to get them.

Mom could’ve hidden his keys but that would have meant taking his verbal and sometimes physical abuse.

Perhaps she considered disabling his truck in some way, but that would have meant he couldn’t get to work and his livelihood might be threatened.

Maybe this one of her silent gifts, making sure our college education was secure.

Like a doctor prescribing painkillers, she doled out his shots and managed his life.

Sometimes late at night, Dad’s friends called my mom to get him from the bar because he couldn’t drive. Jenise and I would ride with her, often around midnight, shrinking in the back seat under our blanket, trying to stay invisible.

“Going out?” Mom asked.

“Yeah, doing some charity work,” I said. “One of the guys on the Goliaths is coming to pick me up. Jenise leave already?”

“She had something she needed to check on at school. One of the Goliaths players is taking you?  Isn’t that a little unusual?” She asked with raised eyebrows.

I think it is, but I don’t know what to do with it yet.

“No, it’s just that I was the person who submitted the cheer team plan. We started talking and because his dad was in the military, we hit it off.” I took a breath. “He’s easy to talk with.”

“Uh-huh,” she said. “Is he single?”

“Is he single?  That’s a weird question. Why?”

“Just curious,” she said.

“Yes, he’s single,” I said.

“How old is he?”

“Almost twenty-five,” I said.

“And you know this because . . .”

“Because I follow the team, mom. When I look at the press guide it has their birthdays. He’s trying to help us with our college applications, that’s all. A twenty-five-year-old man isn’t interested in seventeen-year-old-girls.”

“No?” she probed.

“No, that’s disgusting.” But not “yuck” like my first response when I talked with Tara.

“Don’t you think you have enough to do?” she asked.

Like my father, I self-medicated, but instead of using alcohol, I stuffed my schedule with as many activities as I could to avoid my home life. My medication was to stay busy and away from anything too emotional. By not letting anyone in, I could stay numb and protected.

More hurt?  I wasn’t about to take any chances. I’d cried enough growing up and my invisible suitcase was heavy and full of anxiety.

“I’ve got plenty of time in my schedule, Mom. Anyway, it’s summer.”

1. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE THINGS YOU OR YOUR SIBLINGS DID TO AVOID THE “PROBLEM” IN YOUR HOUSE?

2. WERE YOU EVER ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH THE ADDICTED PERSON?

3.  WERE YOU EVER ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOUR SIBLINGS? PARENTS? RELATIVES?

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WAYS TO AVOID TALKING ABOUT "THE PROBLEM" IN OUR FAMILY

MOM"S ALTERNATE LIFE

This scene is from the first time Nicky volunteers with Ryan, as I waited to be picked up and started to notice my mother in a different way.

I was nervous and excited while waiting for Ryan to come and pick me up, as if I was going on a first date with my high school crush. I couldn’t sit still and I put my hair up, then took it down, pulled it in a ponytail, then let it hang loose.

After dressing in jeans and my cheer jersey, I went bounding down the stairs and found my mother at the kitchen table. That morning, her body and round face, surrounded by her dark, curly permed and dyed hairdo, seemed to be smaller.

I didn’t realize how my life was changing. Even as I resisted, my boundaries were being redefined.

I was making new friends, getting closer to being on my own, and staying away from my house as much as possible.

The importance of my parents was diminishing.

My mother seemed to be only sad in those days. For years she had worked at Juvenile Hall, where she’d supervised girls who were runaways, in gangs, underage prostitutes, were molested or raped, or were considered out of control. Most were from dysfunctional broken homes or had been abandoned.

They came through like a chain gang, one after the other. In my mother’s mind, they were all the same, and their story translated this way: they weren’t understood, didn’t get a fair shake, and hated their parents.

If they complained to her that life was unfair, my mother offered this advice: “Get used to it. That’s life, and nothing’s fair about it. No one’s gonna pick you up and hold you, and it’s up to you to make your own way.”

What did my mother do for them? Oddly enough, many of those girls bonded with her. Like she did for Jenise and me, she’d bring themspecial treats: fashion and gossip magazines, makeup, snacks, a favor- ite candy bar and so on. It was the first time some of the girls felt they’d been heard by an adult.

Workplace of Daisy Young of Shadow Heart

Later when they were young women, many came back to visit her and share news about their changed lives. During these visits she’d stay late to talk with them, as if receiving a piece of love she had missed as a young girl and in her marriage.

Sometimes, I wished I was one of those girls.

I never could understand why she stayed late for them when Jenise and I needed her.

Did she love those girls in ways she couldn’t show to her own family?

Did they give her hope or fill her with the feeling that her life meant something?

Had she lost that validation now?

Was that why she buried herself in her romance novels?

My Mom used to share her stories from work with all of us. She would be proud and excited when she helped a young woman with a problem and her eyes would be alive and expressive as we all sat at the kitchen table listening.

But eventually, she had to quit her job because our father could not be trusted to take care of us on the nights she worked.

Now when she was home, she picked my father up from the front lawn after he’d passed out, helped him out of his truck because he was too drunk to get up, undressed him, and put him to bed, sometimes wiping him off after he’d peed himself.

She went to get his bottles of whiskey so he wouldn’t drive drunk to get them. She could’ve hidden his keys but that would have meant taking his verbal and sometimes physical abuse.

She could’ve disabled his truck in some way, but that would have meant he couldn’t get to work the next day, impacting our family’s finances.

Like a doctor prescribing painkillers, she doled out his shots to have more control over his life.

1. How did you parents interact when addiction was present?

2. Were you, your sibling, or other parent the enabler?

3. What were some of the ways you escaped and gave in to ease the difficulty of having to fight through your life?

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Thank you,

Pam

MOM"S ALTERNATE LIFE

Lies and Words of Shame Used for "My Dad is an Alcoholic"

I agreed to volunteer at the veterans’ hospital in Yountville with Goliath’s pitcher, Ryan Tilton.

When he walked over to my in the outfield my heart nearly pounded out of my chest.

“I’ve cleared our Yountville date with management,” Ryan said. “Would this Monday work for you? We don’t have a game that night sowe can take our time and get to know each other a little.”

“Sure, Monday’s fine,” I said.

Yes, that would be so fine, Mr. Tilton.

“There’s a form for you in Jose’s office. Be sure to sign it before Monday,” he said smiling. “Where should I pick you up?”

“My house I guess?” Then I thought better of it. “Or I could meet you at your place, or the ballpark, or wherever you want. You don’t need togo out of your way; I can take the streetcar here . . . whatever.”

“I’ll pick you up at your house around 9:30. What’s your cell number?”

He entered it into his phone as I told him, and then said, “I’ll call you Monday morning for your address.”

Good thing we’re leaving on a weekday, my dad will be at work, and I won’t have to worry about his condition.

I suddenly reflected on the term we’d used for years—his “condition.” Instead of saying out loud, even admitting to myself, “whether or not he’s drunk,” we used softer terms like this. It was another kind of hiding place.

1. WHAT WORDS DID YOU USE TO COVER UP THE WORD “ALCOHOLIC’?

2. HOW DID YOU HIDE IN THE LIES OF WHAT AN ALCOHOLIC PARENT WAS LIKE?

3. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STOPPED INVITING FRIENDS OVER TO PLAY AT YOUR HOUSE?

Lies and Words of Shame Used for "My Dad is an Alcoholic"

Observations from a simple life: A wonderful new book: "Shadow Heart"

Observations from a simple life: A wonderful new book: "Shadow Heart": “Shadow Heart” by Pamela Taeuffer is a story of a young girl who is trying to overcome her dysfunctional family by working hard and earn...

TOP TEN TAKEAWAYS FROM REDWOOD WRITER"S CONFERENCE

My day was so horrible before the Redwood Writer’s Conference on 4/26.  In every possible way, I was shaken. With the support of my husband and friends, I pushed myself to go to this conference. I had planned to go for several months.

Am I glad I did! My day was totally lifted up — way up! And I want to share the top ten things I took away.

1. Novellas can be 30,000 words, Contemporary Romance 50-70,000 words.  What difference could this make to you? In the world of being successful as a writer with multiple books, it means everything. You can plan on breaking a story into a series, or writing about several characters in novellas rather than a novel, and so on.

2.  I picked up my copy of the Redwood Writer’s Poetry Anthology “And The Beats Go On” where several of my poems were published. What does this mean? For a new author like me, it means I can now add to my bio that I’m somewhere. I have a ground, a place, from which to build.

3.  I purchased a book written by nine romance authors called “The Naked Truth About Self-publishing.” I’ve published my first novel, and I know all of the serious, hard, and expensive work it takes, but never-the-less, I always want to learn and pick up anything new about the process, and since it’s the genre I’m specializing in, the interest is extreme for me to read it!

4.  I bought another book from a very wonderful man named Nathaniel Robert Winters, called “The Adventure of  the Omaha Kid”. It’s outside the genre I write, but exploring how other writers craft their art is invaluable, and meeting him was all the more wonderful.

5.  I learned the proper way to outline a book (who knew) thanks to Anne Jordan. She also teaches a class at the Santa Rosa Junior College and says that Hollywood is looking for material that fit her outline — hear that new writers?  She also says every successful author follows her outline. Act I is your intro to the world you’re presenting and you better do it quick. And by the way? Dump the back story. Find a way to include it throughout your story, don’t jam it all into dialogue or your prologue or first page.

6. We also had the pleasure of meeting John Rothmann, talk show host on 910 am. His overriding message? Do it for you and say thank you.

7.  Ransome Stephens talked about craft and what point of view might be best in telling your story.  Third person allows the most freedom, but to actually get into the mind of a character there’s nothing like first person (but also the most challenging.) His examples: First person – I drink beer; Second person – You drink beer; Third person – He drinks beer;

8.  A wonderful panel of Romance Novelists, because I write in that genre I suppose, I LOVED IT! Seeing these successful women talk about their adventures in writing, publishing, and earning (yes — this isn’t a mistake) MILLIONS — opened my ears, eyes, and well, everything. One tip they shared was that Amazon’s algorithms have changed and you want to hold a special event or giveaway or do some promotion at the 30/60/ and 90 day mark of having your book listed there.

9.  Who can forget the poet :Dana Gioia, who read with such tone and music in his voice that we all floated in the air with him. He talked about the weirdness we all share as writers. Our creativity takes us over and we’re naturally different from others. His poems . . . all I can say is you’ll be wowed.  Get his books. You’ll love them. Read one to your partner or child. They’re mesmerizing.

10.  I could write so much more, but I want to thank everyone that worked so hard,from the great snacks and lunch, to the venue, to the classes and speakers . . . it was wonderful. I can’t recommend enough. They hold one every two years. So in 2016 -BE SURE TO GO!

 

TOP TEN TAKEAWAYS FROM REDWOOD WRITER"S CONFERENCE

Changing Friendships

Sexy, professional baseball player, Ryan Tilton has just introduced himself to Nicky Young, a woman coming of age who has had her business plan accepted by the San Francisco Goliaths for a high school cheer team to perform during their games.

Nicky knows there is something different about their exchange, but no ready to admit anything quite yet. She is afraid of new relationships. She’s been raised in a home where addiction, dysfunction, and abandonment are the usual.

 

Why is there competition among friends?

After they left us, Colleen came over.

“I saw you and Ryan Tilton talking.”

There’d always been a friendly competition between us, but with the acceptance of my business entertainment plan for our cheer team, our relationship had become somewhat strained.

“So?” What’s your point?” I asked.

“So, I saw him kiss your hand,” she said, sidling up to me, “and he spent so much time talking with you. Don’t you think he’s got a crush on you?”

“A crush? Are you saying he’s got a crush on me?” I asked.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” she said.

“Oh come on. He’s twenty-four. Didn’t he kiss your hand, too?” I asked.

“No. He. Did. Not.” she said slowly, enunciating her words.

No? That was just for me? Hmm…

“It’s because I’m the lead contact and my name is on everything,” I said. “That’s all.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what. I see that look in my boyfriend’s eyes and I know it’s more than you think, Nicky,” she said. “That look says ‘I wanna play with you.’”

“You’re imagining things,” I said.

But what if?

“He asked me about volunteering at the Veteran’s Hospital in Yountville,” I said. “I told him I’d speak with you guys about it.”

“Well anyway, I’d keep an eye on him,” she said. “There’s fire there for you.”

“No way,” I said. “We’ll see,” she said.

Maybe we will at that.

1. Nicky is desperate to escape her home life. Why wouldn’t she jump at the chance to have a new relationship?

2. Her best friend is challenging her. When and why does that happen between girlfriends? Does it happen with boyfriends? Is it natural that competition develops between friends? Can Nicky handle competition of this sort in a healthy way?

3. How could Nicky reach out in a healthy and age appropriate way to let her know she isn’t trying to steal attention?

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Changing Friendships

First Stirrings: Liquid Lightning

It’s a feeling in our belly.

It’s a pulse in our chest that surges down through our stomach, lower, into our pelvis, aching, longing to be relieved.

It’s the slant of an eye, or a bashful look through his eyelashes.

What and who stirred feelings of sensuality for you?

We pick up Shadow Heart just after Ryan Tilton, almost 25, introduces himself to Nicky Young, seventeen.  He begins a very careful, slow, sensual plan to bring her heart and mind to him and knows he needs to be careful or she’ll run away. Nicky is the daughter of an alcoholic, and the way she avoids confrontation is to run away.

**************

He laughed, and his tone got my attention once again.

Wow that laugh—it’s sublime, subtle, and distinct, and something’s . . . I feel like there’s a low rumble beginning in my belly.

“I talk fast when I’m nervous, too,” he said. Again, he put his hand on my shoulder.

Wow his hands are big.

What does Nicky do with feelings of warm pulses?

“Yeah, thanks but you’re, well you’re who you are,” I said.

“From what I understand you’re a genius yourself,” he leaned in close. “Your resume lists your GPA as 4.25, right?”

“I’ve never had my IQ measured to know, but I study all the time. I work very hard at it,” I said taking a breath. Keep it together. “All the time,” I repeated.

His smile was wide, but then his expression changed as he explained, “My dad was in the service too; Afghanistan. He was killed when I was

fourteen.” He looked away, seemingly trying to grasp and hold in his pain. “Oh, Mr. Tilton,” I put my hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry.” Damn, so

young, poor guy.

I was startled by the power underneath his skin. His muscles were hard and well-defined, and the feel of them sent a surge through my body. It was as if they were hard marbles covered by fur, and touching him brought a different feeling to me, one I’d never experienced before.

It began with a burst in my chest, like a big beat, and rolled with an ache into my stomach and then resonated down my legs.

“Ooh!” It was as if my hand burned. I lifted it off him quickly.

Oh damn! Did he feel it too? Wasn’t that a ripple that went through his arm?

“What’s the matter, Nicky?” his expression was suggestive and it made me look away.

“Nothing, Mr. Tilton,” I said playing with my hair.

“Ryan. Just call me Ryan. Thank you for your sweet thoughts,” he said. “It was a tough time for me, and it’s why I feel so deeply for those wounded vets in Yountville. If it’s all right with you, I’ll clear it with management to make sure they know I’m, uh, taking you out.”

He smiled at me with a look that made me question . . . things.

* What kinds of feelings is Nicky Battling?

* Why would she feel safe when her own father had let her go?

* How can Nicky bring someone close?

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Shadow Heart will be given away as a kindle book 4/26-4/27 on Amazon.com.  I’d love for you to download it and let me know your thoughts.

http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Heart-Contemporary-Boundaries-Everything-ebook/dp/B00IICDHO8/ref=la_B00IK4DJHO_1_1_title_1_kin?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1398221735&sr=1-1

 

First Stirrings: Liquid Lightning